The Centre of the Universe Has Snow & It’s Bloody Cold

So the Farmer’s Almanac for Winter 2010/2011 predicted for SW Ontario: little snow, very very cold, long winter.
We’ve got more snow than predicted.
It’s FUCKEN cold (and this is coming from a Canadian with plenty of extra ‘padding’ to buffer the weather … so you know it’s COLD!)
And although only just barely February… the winter is already far too long for my liking.
2 outta 3 ain’t bad in the accuracy department.

Depending on where you fall geographically in SW Ontario, you will get more snow than other areas.
Of course… you already knew that.
For example: London, Ontario gets far more snow than say, Toronto (thanks to being pretty much right dab centre between Lake Erie and Lake Huron creating this crazy weather belt).
I know that for a fact, I lived there for 10 years.
Toronto doesn’t see nearly as much as the rest of Ontario – but it still gets some.
What Toronto gets is the icy cold, damp winds that come off Lake Ontario that just settles into your bones long enough to make you feel miserable!
The thing is: Toronto just isn’t equipped to handle LOTS of snow.
Only a few Canadian cities are truly equipped – snow plows, salters, sanders, ice breakers etc… in enough quantities to handle its infrastructure.
I can say Québec and some of the Prairie cities are far more equipped to handle the bitchy Winter months and her snow.
The rest of us – well, we depend on other provinces for help when a storm hits and it gets B-A-D.
And when it gets really b-a-d … sometimes, a mayor will call the Army for help, to dig us out.

But be warned: if you happen to be THE Mayor that called in the Army for assistance – you will be mocked for the rest of your life.
No – not term in office.
L-I-F-E.
And your city will suffer the labels and wrath of the rest of the country because they didn’t think of calling the Army first.
You will be mocked across Canada – from Victoria, BC to St. John’s, NFLD.
From Coast to Coast to Coast.

As in the case of Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman.
In 1999, Toronto was hit with a rather B-I-G snow storm that dumped 40 cm of snow overnight and was about to be hit yet again with another 15-25 cm. The winds were at 40-50 kmph and the temperatures had dropped to a balmy low of -40˚C (with wind factor)… and then another system was right upon them after that – so on and so forth.
Winter that year was relentless and Toronto was her target.
They were looking at 125 cm of snow… in a very short period of time.
Yes.
For Toronto – this was a lot.
Because for Toronto – in 15 days, they got an entire winter season’s worth of snow fall upon them.
To give perspective, the average snow fall in the month of January for Toronto is only about 30-35cm.
They were looking at 125 cm!
And with over 5,000 km of roads to clear, public transit was down and emergency vehicles were getting stuck and couldn’t respond when called…
Yes.
This is a lot for ANY city to handle.
But Toronto Mayor did what most politicians are afraid to do: they called for help.
DA-DA-DUM!!!
And they got it.
*GASP* Shock and horror!!!
The rest of Canada attached to Toronto and its citizens the distinction of having a ‘centre-of-the-universe-mentality’ within Canada.
Forever mocked for Mayor Lastman’s decision to call for help.
Personally – I think the rest of Canada are just jealous they didn’t think of calling.
I mean the US does it all the time, calling in emergency help and no one thinks of them any less.
Kinda ludicrous really.
(You can read about it here.)
But I will say this much… this dramady is funny… even I laughed… because Canadians from Coast to Coast to Coast… are very much like this now. Apparently – most of us… don’t like snow! Not just Toronto – although this is truly mocking Torontonians…

I don’t live in Toronto.
I no longer live in London.
I live somewhere in between.
Typically, we don’t see this much snow as we have this year.
While the rest of the province calls for snow days, not where I live.
Nope.
The bottom line is more important than the lives of its citizens.
And so you brave the not-so-plowed-with-an-under-layer-of-black-ice streets just to make sure the bottom line isn’t impacted.
Doesn’t matter that your kids school is closed, the OPP is telling you to stay home and off the streets or that you don’t have winter tires on your car.
Nope.
The bottom line is all that matters.
Oh and on a daily basis for the last several weeks, we are enjoying weather conditions of about -24˚C but feels like -40˚C. Frostbite, two pairs of pants, cuts you straight to the bone, it-hurts-to-breath kind of cold.
I am bitter. Cold. Wishing I was back in Panama City dammit.
So far though, no Army assistance required.
Although, I wouldn’t mind a little man-in-uniform assistance myself… but I digress.

All the while… my compatriot Old Iron is currently basking in the Antiguan sun as part 1 of his 3 week rotation away from the swamp lands of Nigeria. Bastard!!! (of course said with seething jealousy and envy – surely I will die at Snowmageddon for breaking these cardinal biblical rules… good thing I don’t believe HA! There you go – now you know I will surely be struck by a killer snow flake in 2012)
So I caved in.
Part 2 of Old Iron’s rotation is hosting me.
I’m off to bug the shit out of Old Iron next week, where I am bringing along my fellow Canukc/friend Butch, to Florida.
We need to defrost and thaw out.

But for those of you who didn’t know:
The Centre of the Universe, aka Toronto, has snow.  And it’s bloody cold.
Get out those Isotoner gloves.
Keep the Starbucks Tim Horton’s warm & fresh.
It’s a real bitch out there!

Sorry, but the plans to invade Canada are on hold (Part 1)

Yes my fellow Americans, we are going to have to put our invasion plans on hold for the moment. I know, everyone here was pretty excited to know that plans were in place for a new expansion drive to the American Experiment, and we were hoping that we could get our hands on some of that AWESOME Tim Horton’s coffee, but alas it is not to be so. The reason?

-I just got back from a deep-cover recon mission into the permafrosted winter wasteland’s interior and have found that… Canadians are actually some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life, the city I was in was not made of block ice but of standard building materials, they drive cars and not reindeer- or polar bear-pulled sleighs, and Dollar Rent-A-Car doesn’t take debit cards.

I know! Imagine the horror I experienced after having to wait literally TEN MINUTES to go through customs and having my bag as the FIRST bag off the luggage carousel (no shit, it really was the first bag) to be subjected to the hell that is not having a rental car on this massively important mission! I was stranded! Stuck in a land full of enemies with only KC as my liaison! What were we going to do to extract ourselves from this hazardous environment?!?!?

KC called her cousin who picked us up like ten minutes later with two of the most precious and well-behaved kids I think that I have ever met. They were like two cute little ambassadors of… well, cute. TOTALLY disarmed me as I was expecting an armed response to my mission and did not expect the response to be a couple of weaponized kids set to “AWESOME” or a set of parents that opened their home completely to someone that they had only heard about from KC and not from Interpol or MI-5, unlike the LAST group of people I visited…

Slowly, so as not to alert these new mates to my true intent, I moved from the vehicle and scanned the area for a good concealed base camp, but could find none as we were in probably one of the most picturesque neighborhoods this side of a Ken Bushe painting.  Lawns were well-manicured, people were out and about seemingly enjoying the weather but potentially patrolling the area attempting to identify potential American invaders, and on the surface all seemed peaceful. That was until we entered a home that looked like it was stolen from a Southern plantation and dropped thousands of miles away, which of COURSE made this Southern lad feel right at home. Doors were opened, I was escorted inside (and not at gun point!!!) and introduced not the expected bear skin rug and deer head wall hangings, but to a pretty modern home that looked as comfortable as a warm bath.

What was I to do?

(More to follow…)