News Flash! (Insert applicable inflammatory news topic HERE)

News Flash!

-Our reporters here at NW have just been made aware that (insert candidate’s name) was found…

Choose one or more of the following:

1. Yelling racial slurs while flapping their hands about claiming to be an albatross

2. Consuming human flesh in the name of N’yarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos

3. Using a protester as a door mat

4. Pretending to be affiliated with the party assigned BUT IN FACT acting like a member of the OPPOSITE party

Which is unheard of in political HISTORY and sets a precedent for future political hackery and demagoguery. This goes against the high-road campaign that (insert opposing candidate’s name here) has run from the beginning, a campaign…

Choose one or more of the following:

1.ย  That was run with the assistance of poor immigrants that eat pavement for food as it is all they can afford

2. composed of resurrected saints that support the candidate’s position on abortion

3. manned by retirees that just couldn’t leave the world in the shape that it is currently in and just HAD TO ACT… slowly

4. operated by reformed jihadis that have “seen the way”

-Unlike how (insert candidate’s name here) has run their campaign, through the use of:

Chose one or more of the following:

1. Indentured servant children imported from from rubble-strewn Haitian slums

2. fecal matter sprayed from fire trucks on anyone that opposes the views of the candidate

3. Telling all that there is proof that the opposing candidate is INDEED the Devil, with said proof being a photo of the opposing candidate with crayon drawings of horns on their head

4. Human sacrifice to the Aztec god of the sun

-Stay tuned as we continue coverage of the election races!


About Old Iron
I'm just a guy that works overseas alot and likes to play just as hard as I work. Been to a FEW countries, know a shitload of people all over, and generally have a good time wherever I go. -Oh, and I am currently in between girlfriends, and strangely enough and perfectly happy with that status. In the long run hookers are cheaper. Take my word on that.

4 Responses to News Flash! (Insert applicable inflammatory news topic HERE)

  1. ~KC~ says:

    Don’t drag the Aztek Sun God into your politics!
    Leave him alone!

  2. Buck says:

    Your first paragraph omits the REQUIRED Teh Ghey event. Oversight? Or Eeevil Intent? You Decide.

    • ~KC~ says:

      … with Old Iron…
      EEEEVil intent.

      … just my opinion…

    • Old Iron says:

      The formula that I was trying to use was: off-kilter action – opposing person’s activities during campaigning(good) – person’s activities during campaigning(bad) = ZERO resolution to issue initially highlighted.

      I could have expanded on the formula but that would have been quite long if I was to try to capture all of the retarded variables that these mechanical-esque reporters do.

      I swear the news is just on big flow chart.

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