Sorry, but the plans to invade Canada are on hold (Part 1)
September 16, 2010 2 Comments
Yes my fellow Americans, we are going to have to put our invasion plans on hold for the moment. I know, everyone here was pretty excited to know that plans were in place for a new expansion drive to the American Experiment, and we were hoping that we could get our hands on some of that AWESOME Tim Horton’s coffee, but alas it is not to be so. The reason?
-I just got back from a deep-cover recon mission into the permafrosted winter wasteland’s interior and have found that… Canadians are actually some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life, the city I was in was not made of block ice but of standard building materials, they drive cars and not reindeer- or polar bear-pulled sleighs, and Dollar Rent-A-Car doesn’t take debit cards.
I know! Imagine the horror I experienced after having to wait literally TEN MINUTES to go through customs and having my bag as the FIRST bag off the luggage carousel (no shit, it really was the first bag) to be subjected to the hell that is not having a rental car on this massively important mission! I was stranded! Stuck in a land full of enemies with only KC as my liaison! What were we going to do to extract ourselves from this hazardous environment?!?!?
KC called her cousin who picked us up like ten minutes later with two of the most precious and well-behaved kids I think that I have ever met. They were like two cute little ambassadors of… well, cute. TOTALLY disarmed me as I was expecting an armed response to my mission and did not expect the response to be a couple of weaponized kids set to “AWESOME” or a set of parents that opened their home completely to someone that they had only heard about from KC and not from Interpol or MI-5, unlike the LAST group of people I visited…
Slowly, so as not to alert these new mates to my true intent, I moved from the vehicle and scanned the area for a good concealed base camp, but could find none as we were in probably one of the most picturesque neighborhoods this side of a Ken Bushe painting. Lawns were well-manicured, people were out and about seemingly enjoying the weather but potentially patrolling the area attempting to identify potential American invaders, and on the surface all seemed peaceful. That was until we entered a home that looked like it was stolen from a Southern plantation and dropped thousands of miles away, which of COURSE made this Southern lad feel right at home. Doors were opened, I was escorted inside (and not at gun point!!!) and introduced not the expected bear skin rug and deer head wall hangings, but to a pretty modern home that looked as comfortable as a warm bath.
What was I to do?
(More to follow…)