Brands of Truth

Context: Shopping in sexy South Beach, Miami Florida.

Good god. Firstly, I am blessed to have an amazing friend in Old Iron who kept me grounded throughout that whole process and allowed me to wallow in self-pity but not get stuck there. The side zipper on my pants broke where I had to hold my pants up while walking so that they wouldn’t fall to the ground, mooning everyone in sight. It was rather annoying.  Apparently, South Beach doesn’t sell safety pins so I needed another piece of clothing and pronto.  The problem wasn’t so much my inability to find something that fit from the waist down – the challenge was to find anything to get over my chest and cover up my chest. Most dresses sold in stores on Lincoln Blvd are designed for androgynous women with no breasts or very small breasts and limited curves but personally, I found many of them to be very sexy and wished I could find at least one dress that worked.  But no.  It wasn’t going to happen on Lincoln Blvd.   Poor Old Iron came to several stores with me, watching my many attempts and failures, slowly seeing me fall into the pit of despair… until I gave him his “Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free” card when a restaurant hostess mentioned the most fitting words he heard all day: Happy Hour.  He is indeed a wonderful friend for putting up with that.  But yes – I wallowed for a bit afterwards at my failures – both in my attempts at finding a dress but also as a woman who doesn’t fit the mold of modern beauty & weight.  However, I didn’t stay victimized by the afternoons events… snapping out of my self-pity and ended the night on a wonderful note.  (I settled on two wonderful skirts instead of summer dresses, although one skirt could be converted into a dress, oddly enough!) Upon our return to the hotel, I updated my Facebook status with the above status.  I didn’t want to concentrate on the negative aspect of my experience and truly reflect what has really happened.

When I woke up in the morning, I received this message from a supposed friend of several years, one with a Peter-Pan complex, who is going thru his mid-life crisis, in his early 40s engaged to a 21 yrs old wafer thin Goth-model. I have not once said anything to him or even questioned his actions as I figured he was working out some issues that are currently going on in his life… but his statuses and comments have become increasingly critical and very rude towards anyone that doesn’t fit his perceptions of beauty, which is anyone that doesn’t look like his fiancé. So he felt the enclosed message was necessary in response to my status from the day before, as though I was playing on some dishonest response to my previous day’s activities.  (Now I did remove the full names for anonymity purposes)  That took the wind out of my sails and once again, demoralized me to no end.  Not only had I been beating myself up for my own perceived imperfections but here, a person whom I had once considered an important person in my life had to twist a very simple and honest status into something that was demeaning and rude, playing on my own perceived physical misgivings.  It did make me cry.

Now, I fully admit to being a full-figured, robust, curvy, heavy chested woman. It would be ridiculous to believe or state otherwise.  I am by no means obese but I still have a long ways to go with my battle of losing weight. Having lost nearly 25 lbs in the last 7 months and down 4 dress sizes, albeit is truly a wonderful feeling, I still carry with me the stigma of being ‘FAT’ or ‘BIG’ which translates psychologically within women as unattractive, ugly and undesirable. Now, I know why I am as I am and accept full responsibility for it… but also refuse to starve myself to fit into the perceived media driven concept of size and beauty or let anyone put me down for who I am, as I am. Life style changes are in progress and continue to be implemented.  So while the weight is coming off ever so slowly, it is still coming off – and I am proud of the woman I am and becoming, with or without the weight. I have struggled with my image for a long time and, as the years go by, slowly coming into my own where I’m not defined by the number on a scale or the size of my clothes. Nonetheless, being a full-figured woman still has its challenges in a modern world.

New Years Eve 2010

Shopping is an ever more complicated and limiting process. Nothing ever fits properly. Either far too big or far too small, shapeless mumus and old fashioned. It is a feat to find anything that fits. Plus-sized stores offer very little in ways of fashionable and quality affordable clothing (at least here in Canada), but add in the challenge of being a really heavy chested woman, and it’s demoralizing. Even stores like Fredrick’s of Hollywood that carry very large bra sizes, still are too small.  Thus further driving the psychological programming that bigger is NOT beautiful… therefore unworthy… therefore unlovable…. therefore – well you fill in the rest. I grew up with a father who still believes that bigger is beautiful but the world around me said and continues to say otherwise. It created a huge conflict within… that at times, resurfaces to rear its ugly head.  Thus the ugly monster that almost ruined a wonderful weekend.  Almost being the operative word.

What is even more challenging is when the media’s perception of beauty is that thin is sexy, beautiful, and desirable. It’s what makes it onto the magazine covers.  Not HEALTHY. Thin. Nowhere does it say sexy, beautiful, desirable AND healthy. It’s a dangerous balance to weigh thin with healthy (all puns intended) and keep the psychological beliefs truthful and honest. There is great danger with what media is selling as beautiful and what we do believe. There is a lack of honesty and truthfulness, both in the media and with the individual thus creating an imbalance in self-image and identity. And for young ladies, that programming starts at a very young age: in our formative pre-teen years. That programming takes YEARS to change, if it ever does. Our perception of beauty is greatly impacted by media but also by circumstances we find ourselves in. Certainly, when things are going wonderfully well in our lives, our self-esteem is at an all time high… and on the flip side, when things are challenging, self-esteem takes a beating. I’m not sure why we, as women, place our beauty, personal worth and value in the hands of the men in our lives. This is not shuffling blame to the men in our lives. No. Not at all.  Rather it’s an issue that many women have and must be figured out – it’s internal. Without that personal understanding of self, the self-esteem will always take a beating as it is in the hands of others rather than our own.  It is not based on our own personal truths or core values.

At times, I believe it boils down to our formative years and relationship with our fathers, our first love with someone of the opposite sex, combined with our relationships and molding from our mothers. Add in social and media pressures and, well, we women are screwed up for the first 30 some odd years of our lives. Add in weight issues and dear god, have mercy!! PLUS being single… well all I can do is laugh at this. Dating brings out the worst in the battle with self-esteem, bringing out the most shallow aspects of our personalities further setting us back on the emotional and psychological scales of evolution.

January 2010

Eventually women DO come into themselves and start forming beliefs of their own (rather than the ones taught as the truth) but we have our moments when some of that programming resurfaces as a result of a situation, circumstances and even people. I am in that transitionary stage in my life. While I can usually get over many circumstances by the graces of my own strength and smarts, at times, the loving support of friends is required. I needed the intervention of Old Iron and the validation of my friends to remind me that this so called friend is an ass of epic proportions. His brand of truth is not only unnecessarily demeaning but rude and self-serving, under the guise of love and friendship. He is a product of the times. I feel sorry for him.  And yes, I did remove him from my friends list after I gave him my version of the truth, since we were both in the spirit of honesty, afterall.  It is not a friendship I want to continue fostering.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where labels such as fat or thin, beautiful or ugly, unworthy or wanted… become simply just that: labels. Rarely accurate, full of misinformation, simply giving you a birds’ eye view of something that may or may not be the truth.   And labels, well they come with all sorts of brands.  Some fit. Many don’t.  Its just about finding your own brand, the one that fits most truthfully and is most flattering.  And for now, I am only remaining in the moment. That moment is: I am a full-figured woman. I am bigger than average… whatever average is. While I am not the typical version of beautiful, I am definitely unique – and that is NOT a bad thing. Because in my books: I would rather be unique than be what media deems as beautiful. Unique is far less forgettable than the same ol, same ol.

And should I ever have a child, especially a girl, I want him/her to know the above. I want them to understand that being an individual and unique is indeed truly BEAUTIFUL. That strength of character and values is what makes someone beautiful and desirable and they differ from person to person. That healthy and beauty comes in all sizes and shapes, not pre-determined by media, nor others can determine that for him/her. And that friends who choose to belittle you with comments as the ones I just got or abuse moments of weakness, well, turns out they aren’t friends at all. I would hate for them to have to waste 30 some odd years trying to figure it out, the hard way. Life presents enough challenges as it is… one less set of emotional baggage for them to carry around in life – well that would be beautiful opportunity, indeed.

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About ~KC~
Strong but open minded, opinionated, sensitive, vivacious, outgoing, caring, compassionate, spiritual, habitual, mutable, at times controversial, sometimes superficial, perceived as egotistical and knowledgeable but mostly loveable... all things Sagittarius.

26 Responses to Brands of Truth

  1. Old Iron says:

    -You forgot to actually accurately quote the event wherein I stopped for happy hour 2-for-1 mojitos; I told you that I wanted to stop not ONLY because it was a 2-for-1 on ACTUAL mojitos, but that the street hawker that was advertising had a really sexy Brit accent. Also didn’t help that it was a Pol that was my waitress.

    -Other than that spot on. It was annoying to see you in the dumps because of the frustration of trying to get clothing that spanned your ample chest topped with a cock gobbling goth poser making holier-than-thou comments about you. Meh, you survived, but I am going to toss you into the damned ocean if you let that crap get to you again.

    • ~KC~ says:

      HA!! Yes yes… she was rather cute too, the hostess! And our Polish waitress was super nice and a great server as well. You got some alone time with them both as I scoured the Blvd in search of a dress and I cam back with a purse (cute one too) and some sort of decorative pin to keep my pants up. The fun part was shopping for you afterwards – a much simpler process, to say the least!

  2. Buck says:

    Well… you KNOW where I stand on this particular issue, right?

    Your Facebook “friend” isn’t, in addition to sounding like he has considerable issues of his own. Cut that dude loose, you have no need of his ilk.

    And thanks for posting your photos, KC. I’d be right proud to have you on my arm were I 20 years younger. Or so. 🙂

  3. ~KC~ says:

    Thank you Buck. I spent considerable years being friends with this man – we had met long before Facebook came along. And yes, he has considerable issues, but I stuck by him because I believed in him. That faith has been waivering for a while now and was completely destroyed by that unnecessary and unwelcomed message.

    I know where you stand on the issue Buck… LOL… of weight. And that is a flattering compliment. Its a constant struggle to balance the perception of beauty and reality. Some days are much better than others.

  4. alison says:

    I want to write you a proper response on this but I just hit your blog and it’s late here so I’ll return with something other than this for now…but what a complete jerk that bloke was. What’s his problem? Other than GQ and an IQ to match. You are very beautiful. Also congrats at losing 25lbs.

    • ~KC~ says:

      Thanks girl and I look forward to your comment and views on this subject.
      I will never be THIN – I am not genetically pre-disposed or structurally designed to ever be petite or thin… LOL. My main objective is to be healthy – emotionally, spiritually, romantically and physically healthy.

  5. Gordon says:

    There are many thin, pretty, well-adjusted women in the world, I’m sure. I just don’t meet many of them.

    • ~KC~ says:

      … I am sure there are plenty of them as well. Well… I think there are… maybe… perhaps… oh heck, I dunno!

      I don’t think the pre-determining factor for being well-adjusted has to do with weight, although I am sure it is a contributing factor into the overall well-being of a person, regardless of size.

  6. WWWebb says:

    I’m not the first person to state that I prefer women who look like women instead of boys.

    And, for what it’s worth, whoever posted that on Facebook was unspeakably rude and clearly deficient in both tact and taste.

    I’d give you a serious hug if we were in the same room; give yourself one for me, please.

    As we say in the South, “You’re good people”.

    • ~KC~ says:

      Why now, thank you!! That is very kind of you!
      So far, I’ve met some pretty great Southerners in my life… and you are no different!

  7. WWWebb says:

    Go over to Buck’s…

  8. alison says:

    Weight is a painful issue. I’ve struggled with it more or less since I was 15. My average weight fluctuates between 9.8st and 10.5st. I’m almost 5′ 8. At my heaviest ever I’ve been 11st and that was pretty recently actually after a period of recovery from an illness. It makes me unhappy feeling heavy and toys with my confidence when I cannot get clothes to fit. But truth is I’ve never given a shit what other people think. It’s what I think that matters. It is people who need to take a long hard look at themselves in the mirror who have the noisiest opinions on how women should look. That’s what runs through my mind now. I feel much happier aiming for a healthy weight for my bodytype and height. I like to be able to have a wide range of clothes so I’ll work reasonably hard at keeping that choice. But I also cut myself a lot of slack these days. Gone are the days when eating disorders were the norm for me. It’s not easy and the social pressures out there are out of proportion and usually delusional. Our expectations rise beyond what should be realistic. Male anorexia, kids anorexia are all on the rise along with male paranoia as it happens – you can’t expect that these pressures should flow all one way and that the women who achieve bodyweight nirvana at some enormous cost to their happiness are going to pick a regular looking guy – so a lot of good guys these days are just simply not in the running for most young women. Paranoia cuts both ways.

    It’s important to get your weight down to something manageable and healthy for your heart above all else. And that takes time and dedication. It’s mentally hard too. But the confidence you feel in having achieved this and the wider options with clothes and life in general make it all so worthwhile. You’re a beautiful woman. You’re being realistic and you’ve made a cracking start. The last thing you need is to have the rug pulled from under you by some jerk on Facebook.

    • ~KC~ says:

      It’s important to get your weight down to something manageable and healthy for your heart above all else. To me that is most important as well. My mother passed away from complications of a gastric bypass due to an issue of obesity, when she was not quite 31 yrs old. The complications of the operation and her weight and the quick weight loss – she passed away of a heart attack. Heart disease is a disease that is rampant in my family as well. My father suffers from inoperable hardening of the arteries and is a very husky man himself. So I agree – while I am predisposed to being LARGE, so far, my heart is in good shape. And I would like to keep it that way and remove any factors that could shorten my life, unnecessarily and while its in my control.

      Weight is a universal issue – not gender specific. I mean its been intertwined so much into the fabric of society that no one thinks twice about exclaiming “WHOA… you put on some weight!” as if its part of a normal day to day conversation, irregardless of the consequences. Words are powerful and can be very detrimental and devastating. But the strong, while words might set them back a bit, will dust themselves off and keep on keeping on. Such an email from a so-called friend, while it hurt and made me cry and question myself, in the end – didn’t change my accomplishments and who I am. It simply made me stronger. And having friends like Old Iron and others in my life to reinforce the positive while helping me in a loving manner to see the bad, is what I need and cherish.

  9. alison says:

    And boobs ARE a seperate issue. There is no doubt they come down a little when you lose weight but if you are big boobed you are big boobed – end of story. Just as soon as I can I’m having mine lopped off!

    • ~KC~ says:

      I just accepted an offer of employment back ‘home’ in Ontario … and the first thing I plan on doing is talking to the doctor about 1) my fractured ankle and 2) breast reduction. It is so incredibly limiting and slows down the process of loosing weight. I can’t run. I can’t jump. I can’t put my full body weight on my ankle and that makes it difficult with many of the exercises I need to do to strengthen my core. So a boob reduction, while many men might go NOOOOO! is the most amazing thing I can give myself in the next coming months. Although my herniated disc in my back isn’t bothering me at the moment, these babies aren’t helping matters whatsoever. They are HEAVY!!! While I have no intentions of lopping them off, they do need to be reduced and I will need medical intervention to make that happen.

  10. alison says:

    Congrats on your new job and upcoming move. I totally get you re sport and boobs and the weight process. You’ve nailed that completely. Go for it!

  11. Buck says:

    Congrats on the job, KC!

  12. KC – first, thank you for visiting my site. Looking forward to getting to know you a bit more!

    As for this post – my god girl you speak my language! Speaking as a woman of substance and curves I can related to every word you wrote.

    Firstly – the Facebook guy is so beyond an ass they need to create a new word to describe that kind of shallow, vindictive behavior. Good for you for deleting him. Sad but necessary to get those kinds of toxic people out of our lives.

    I totally understand the weight struggle; I’ll never be thin either however I do want to be healthy. I lost 40 pounds, then due to some significant family issues and stresses, regained quite a bit of it over the past year or so. I’m back on track however and looking forward to losing what I regained then get back to my overall goal of losing 80 pounds.

    It won’t make me thin and it will make me healthy. And that’s what we should all focus on – healthy. It’s not about looking like Kate Moss (who is a seriously malnourished stick insect, IMO); it’s about being happy with who we are on the inside. That will ultimately reflect in good health everywhere.

    That being said – KC you are gorgeous!

    • ~KC~ says:

      Kris… well I agree. I still don’t see how being able to count ribs and vertabrae can be sexy but that is the model of so-called perfection. Sad but true. However, that being said… should a person who appears malnourished as a “stick insect” is truly healthy in all the manners that count AND eats (I know some women with very active thyroids and have a hard time gaining weight no matter how much they eat) – then that is a good thing! It’s when one goes to extremes to fulfill an emotional need that is lacking but interpreted by what they see in the mirror – its either too much or not enough. Dangerous on both accounts.

      I’m far from being angry at the ‘skinny’ girl… those who are healthy and work at staying fit and all that wonderfulness that they feel is important for their overall well-being: I admire that!! Sincerely and truly do. But I won’t demean someone for not being there, at that same level either.

  13. WWWebb says:

    @Kris: ROTFL on the Kate Moss comment; never heard it put like that.

    That being said, if the exoskeleton fits, wear it!

  14. I didn’t mean to imply that women who are thin due to genetics are to be demeaned any more than those of us blessed with a little more genetic pulchritude. Far from it, I agree with KC. If they are healthy then all the better for them.

    And I’m not so sure folks like Kate Moss, Jennifer Aniston and Madonna are healthy or genetically blessed with the thin-gene. I think that at least 2 of them are exercise-anorexics. And they are revered and admired and emulated by thousands of young girls.

    • ~KC~ says:

      No no no! I wasn’t implying you were!!! Please don’t read my comment as if I were saying you did. Like I mentioned in my comment, much like you echoed above – its when its to excess that its dangerous – regardless of what side of the scale you’re tipping.

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