September 13, 2009 Leave a comment
PREFACE: I promise that not all my blog postings will be about relationships but it is an easy topic to write about and to get my feet wet as I re-emerge myself into the world of blogging.
So I was watching “The Reader” tonight (2008 movie with Kate Winslet & Ralph Fiennes) – and no, this post isn’t about the horrors of the Holocaust or about the incestuous nature of the relationship between Hannah & Michael.
Oddly enough, what I took away from this movie appears to be a theme that has crept up on me unexpectedly. Yes. You got it.
Well… it’s more about our formative relationships. Our first loves. The one that molds how we are or handle all other relationships that come subsequently (that is if we aren’t ‘lucky’ (subjective use of this word here) enough to marry our first or only loves).
So recently, Old Iron told me about this ‘What If’ life chart that he created and I decided to do a version of it. I will let him tell you about it, should he so choose too. But this chart in the land of ‘What Ifs’… I came to realize that I had totally been lying to myself about a few very important things. Life altering things/changes really. And for me, it all hinged on: Relationships.
You see, I’m not talking about the very first loves of our lives, our parents here. I’m talking about the first time we fell in love. Romantic love. And definitely not the incestuous kind.
The thing is, much like the character Michael in the movie, I have been greatly impacted by my first experience with love. And the betrayal that came with it. It molded how I approached potential relationships and unconsciously, sabotaged them. Beautifully too.
Much like Michael, I have lived with the shadow of that relationship for a long time. Most of us do, without even knowing it. That formative first attempt at love – those formative experiences and outcomes – set the imprint for what is to come. Most of us, just never truly realize that until far too late.
It’s been many years since that relationship. I have been fortunate enough to love once again, although idiotic enough to destroy it out of fear. But then ending of that first relationship shut down within me the desire for certain things. And I didn’t quite place it. Until that “What If” exercise… I had successfully lied to myself for many years. And damn you, Old Iron, damn you for making me see that lie. And finally admit out loud what it is that I really do want, in spite of saying otherwise all these past years.
The movie “The Reader” just so happened to be very timely. It does define for me what I had been doing for many years – without being fully aware that it had been shadowing me all these years. It based, unknowingly, my thought patterns and actions towards future relationships, simply based on the outcome of that formative relationship. Rather than making it the foundation to future relationships – I let it be the entire construction – a sort of ‘one-size-fits-all’ attitude towards love… and we all know, there is no such thing as a ‘one-size-fits-all.’
I don’t have the answer.
I don’t know how to get out of that shadow.
I just know that I don’t want it haunting me anymore.
And I have finally allowed myself to actually say what it is that I truly, deeply wanted. I allowed myself to be OK with it… and said it out loud.
Perhaps that is a great first step.
Now onto the next….
So that exercise that I came up with was actually created out of wanting to have some fun mapping out the major formative events that have happened in my life and seeing how, if at all, they have influenced decisions from sid “event” on. I had this odd idea of creating an alternate timeline as well seeing what would have happened if that left turn had been a right, or if that yes had been a no, etc. Call me what you will but stuff like that is great fun because it allows your mind to go in completely hypothetical directions with only the most minute amount of data as a foundation. It’s like promoting a growth of oblique thought in your head, seeing as how your own environs just don’t have that capacity.
-It’s like painting a masterpiece out of thought.
I probably am going to lay out the actual process in a later post, but trust me on this it would take a bit more time then, honestly, I m willing to invest right now, so you are stuck with just the purpose of this thing that I conceived; which is to take the events in your past that are floating around in a big nebulous vacuum in your skull and force you to place them in an uninterpreted linear path and in a PHYSICAL form, not some virtual one. Thought has a tendency to cloud, re-interpret, or deny events that have occurred in your life, especially the ones that were the most painful, and through the act of actually PUTTING THEM ON PAPER IN A LOGICAL ORDER there is no chance for your head to ignore or devalue; it turns the event into what it actually is, no more or no less.
It turns it into just something that happened.
-I know. I have a pretty twisted idea of the definition of “fun”, right?